A start

We attended the new appointment with a fertility certer today. It is the second center we went. We started with the first one in 2008 and the result was disappointing.I lost one of my tubes and had endometriosis removed. The second center is recommended by the doctor who operated me in the first hospital.

20-25% suceess rate. It is not high but we will try. A long way to go.

Job searching

Marketing research is one of jobs I would like to try and I got the first training opportunity today.

It was at a marketing research company in Antwerpen. The first day of training, we were introduced about the project, the company policy and how the questionnaire looks like.

It was an exciting day because of people I met, and the things I am going to do.
I met two colleagues with whom I had the interview together, Steven and Tiffany. Steven is a professional cook and ex-owner of restaurant; Tiffany is a law graduate. She is specialised in intellectual property and patent laws. I sat together with Steven for the training and Tiffany was apparently trained for another project. During the lunch break, I met more people: most of them stayed in Belgium only for 1 or 2 years; the one impressed me most is the American student who is studying MBA in Antwerpen. Studying combining with a full time job is not easy. I am glad to see young people to try things out of their study. Another interesting person: Rony, a business analyst who was newly hired by the company. He is from Surinam, an ex-Belgium colony. He has many years in Pharmaceutics industry, another job profile I would like acquire. Today, I will meet the same people again and hopefully to meet more interesting figure.

The project, sponsored by a well-know healthcare provider, is a research project on brand performing and brand equality. My task will be interviewing Chinese doctors and administrators who have influential or decisive role in the purchase of medical devices. The job demands me to approach people, who may dislike or no time for such an interview. I don’t know what I will respond to this job yet so let’s wait and see. The down side of this job: it is a long commute from Leuven to Antwerpen and it is a night shift. I also don’t know what I will respond to these; I may find it nice. There are a lot of unknown for this new challenge; the good thing for this job is that the contract is renewed weekly. I can stop working when I don’t feel like the job any more. And very importantly, I gradually regain interests about things around me again.

Is he the person making me unhappy?

For some reasons, I start suspecting HE is the person who is making me unhappy; the guy I have been spending 15 years together. I have the feeling that he cannot comfort me and he does not know my need. I always give the excuse that I don’t do enough effort in communication. I am a bad communicator. I don’t want to blame myself anymore. I think that I am not a bad communicator at my work. I just cannot communicate what inside my heart. I need someone who understands and have me open my heart. I thought he was the one but the truth tells the opposite story.
You know, the life is limited, and one should keep on trying things that don’t work. I have tried and spent my most treasure time on it. It is enough. I still have something to look forward to in my life.

What makes me happy

What makes me happy?
Doing something that I have never done before makes me happy
Seeing beautiful flowers makes me happy
My happiness can be very simple
I need to see results
Results makes me happy
being together with old friends makes me happy
making people happy makes me happy as well

Love

I like to make love with him
He knows my needs and my sensitive spots
My feeling to him is strong and intense
I treasure and obsess with this feeling
I think I love him with all my heart
His touch wakes up my deeply buried passions
I think I love him with all my heart
I can do anything for him
He knows my needs
He supports me and wish me to have all the best

to love, to learn and to move on
--from the movie "Prime"

What makes me unhappy

Here are things that make me unhappy at this moment:

· Prospects to be parents become uncertain

· No career prospects

· No social life, no friends

I think it is important to know what I want and to identify things that make me unhappy before starting my happiness project. It is probably as well important to truly know who I am, i.e. authentic self before starting the actions. Here is a list of questions I extract from Dr. Phil web site, Discover your life chain:

1. Where were you born?

I was born in XXX;

2. Where do you live now?

I am living in OOO

3. What do/did your mother and father do for a living?

My parents are public servants.

4. What do you do for a living?

I doing administrations for research projects

5. What were your parents' beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Their place in the world?

My parents think that family should stick together and should help each other. They believe in respect and worship our ancestors. They have a distinct view for political parties; they support different parties. They want to help people and wish world peace.

6. What are your beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Your place in the world?

I have a very different view about family from my parents. I think family is troublesome and family affairs consume energy. Family is those who are difficult to deal with. Politics is not my piece of cake. I live in the world namelessly and uselessly.
7. What is your life chain?

My life chain is not smooth and somehow disconnected.

According to Dr. Phil, I should then follow “self matter action plan”.

Step 1: Isolate a Target Event: identify the most toxic external events happened in my life.

Choose an international relationship and stay in OOO

Step 2: Audit Your Internal Responses to That Triggering Event

Choose an international relationship and stay in OOO

a) Where do you place a responsibility or blame for that event, your locus of control? Who was responsible? Did you have any control over the situation? Were you even old enough to have a say?

I shall take full responsibility for this event. I have totally control since I ignored my parents’ suggestion and advice. I am responsible. I am old enough to have a say.

b) What has been the tone and content of your internal dialogue since that event?

I feel bitter and resentful but I feel that I should make things right because I have chosen this path by myself. However, I sometime blamed my parents who force me holding this path because their objections (I am a stubborn person).

Do you find your real-time, "normal speed" conversations in your daily life reflecting the changes that occurred within you and are associated with that event?

Yes, I feel that every day in my life.

When you reflect on this event, what do you say to yourself? Even when you're not reflecting directly on the event, but experience feelings of guilt and shame, what do you say to yourself?

I have chosen for it and I should pay for it.

c) What labels have you generated for yourself as a result of your event? What have you told yourself about you as a consequence of what happened?

I am someone who is obsessed with ambitious but inept. I am a loser.

d) What tapes has this event generated or contributed to? Has this event caused you to develop an automatic, unthinking response that "predicts" the outcome of any given situation?

Yes. It makes me lose my confidence. I am already frustrated just to predict what may happen.
e) What are the fixed beliefs and resulting life script that you have constructed as a result of your event?

I feel negative about myself and no energy to do things.

Do you suspect you are living from a "script" that was written as a result of this event?

Probably, but I am trying my best to “pay it” in a positive way.

Step 3: Test Your Internal Responses for Authenticity

a) Is it a true fact?

Yes. I should take full responsibility but I am not a loser. I am probably too serious for things I am going to do and too nervous for my performance.

b) Does holding onto the thought or attitude serve your best interest?

No.
c) Are your thoughts and attitudes advancing and protecting your health?

No.
d) Do your thoughts and beliefs get you what you want?

No.

Step 4: Come up with an "Authentically Accurate Alternative" Response

fiction beliefs	alternative beliefs	AAA
I am obsessed with ambitious but inept	I am ambitious and adventurous I am not inept but very serious and thoughtful I am sometimes careless but not inept I am shy I need improve my self-expression I need more exercise in my verbal expression
I am a loser	I am too critical Everyone is different.

a) Is the alternative true?

probably
b) Is it in your best interest to hold these beliefs?

Yes
c) Do the alternatives advance and protect your health?

Yes
d) Do the alternatives get you what you truly want?

Yap

Step 5: Identify and Execute Your Minimal Effective Response (MER)

a) What action can you take to resolve the pain?

· Achieve my ambitions

· Working in something matching my degree

· Learn to express myself correctly and effectively, stressing on verbal expression

· Taking care of my language skills

b) If you were successful and achieved this action, how would you feel?

I will feel confident; I will work hard and make good use of my time. I will love Rik more truly and face myself more honestly.

c) Does the feeling you will have match the feeling you want to have?

Yes
d) Remember the word "minimal." Could there be some other, more emotionally or behaviorally economical action that would give you the emotional resolve you want to feel?